Dealing with Difficult People

Imagine this scenario: You're heading into
work, and you're anxious about walking in the door. It's not
because you don't love your job. It's because of Phil. He
constantly provokes and angers you, and you're not sure you can
keep coping with the stress caused by his behavior.
Last week, he seemed to enjoy making you look bad in front of your
boss. Yesterday, he was rude to you in front of your co-workers,
and you didn't know what to say back. And today? You can't even
guess what he's planning, but it's sure to make you miserable.
Do you have to deal with 'difficult' people at work? Do they
create stress, cause negative emotions – and take up your valuable
time? It's easy to feel you have no control over the situation.
You may think you just have to put up with people who behave like
that.
Life is far too short to accept being miserable, however. If
you're faced with a difficult or rude person on a regular basis,
then you must address the situation. This article will equip you
with the strategies and techniques to do just that.
Causes and Types of 'Difficult' Behavior
We've probably all wondered, at one point or another, why people
have to be rude or unkind. The reasons may vary. Some people
behave in a negative way to cope with stress. Others may not feel
good enough at their jobs, so they act negatively to keep the
attention away from their true performance (or lack of
performance). Still others simply enjoy the feeling of power that
comes with criticizing and being cruel to people. (See our article
on Egos at Work for tips on managing a co-worker's superiority
complex.)
Everyone has their own reasons and motivations for their behavior.
Although the causes are relevant in some cases, it's usually more
helpful to know how to react when their negative behavior is
directed at you.

Rudeness – even deliberately mean or cruel behavior – can show up
in many different forms. Be aware of actions and behaviors such as
these:

Making unkind and hurtful comments.
Using a sarcastic, mocking, or cynical tone of voice.
Making jokes about you, or jokes at your expense.
Ignoring you.
Constantly complaining.
Being aggressive.
Being deliberately uncooperative.
Spreading rumors.
Constantly criticizing.
Making you look bad to your superiors or other co-workers.
Attempting to dominate you.
Being abrupt, or frequently interrupting you when you speak.

Strategies for Handling Negative Co-Workers
You can control only one thing when dealing with difficult people:
your reaction to them. Yes, you may want to get angry and fight
back, or be equally critical of them, but this is usually the
least helpful way to handle the situation.
Why? Difficult people are typically experts in that kind of
behavior, and you're an 'amateur.' In other words, they're good at
it, and you're probably not. Chances are high that you won't win,
and the other person's behavior won't change.
It's also important to remember that it's not your job to 'fix'
these people. A more constructive goal is to minimize, or
neutralize, the situation – so that YOU can have some peace.
There are several effective strategies you can use with difficult
co-workers. Remember, though, that everyone – and every situation
– is different. Some of these strategies might be ideal for one
person, but disastrous with another. Assess your own situation
carefully to determine which technique might work best for you.

Carefully review the situation – Before taking any action,
evaluate what has happened. Is this normal behavior, or is the
other person just having a bad day? If it's typical behavior, it
might be time to do something about it. If it's unusual behavior,
it might be best to stay out of his or her way for the rest
of the day.
Calmly confront the person in private – You might want to use
your office, where no one else can hear. There's a chance that
this person truly doesn't know he's being rude or unkind. Give him
the benefit of the doubt, and address the problem privately.
Explain what's bothering you, and what you'd like him to do about
it. Don't go on the attack. Tell him what it feels like, from your
perspective, to be on the receiving end of this type of behavior.
Use 'I' statements, such as, “When you criticized me in front of
the group yesterday, I felt humiliated and upset.” For more on
this, see our article Dealing with Unfair Criticism .
Don't fight, and don't retreat – If the other person is being
aggressive toward you, she's probably expecting you to (a) fight
back, just like her, or (b) retreat and walk away. If you want to
make an impact, do neither. Stay calm, and speak plainly about her
actions. For instance, say, “Are you trying to intimidate me with
verbal abuse?” or “Are you trying to make fun of me?” This can be
especially effective if other co-workers are listening. After you
assert yourself, wait for a response. Don't be tempted to speak
again; many people are uncomfortable with silence, so it may force
them to respond.
Use behavior modification – This technique depends on how much
leverage and control you have, and on your relationship with the
difficult person. In short, behavior modification is a way to
'train' someone to act in a more civil, polite manner. When he
acts negatively toward you, completely ignore him. This may help
send the message that you won't tolerate that type of behavior.
When he acts more politely and acceptably, 'reward' the behavior.
Say 'thank you,' and respond in a positive way. This technique can
also be incredibly effective in a group setting (when a team is
dealing with a difficult team member).
Involve your boss – If you've tried a few techniques to resolve
the situation on your own, and you still haven't succeeded, it
might be time to get your boss involved. Meet with him or her
privately to explain the situation clearly, and what you'd like to
see happen. If the difficult person works in a different
department, go to your boss first, and let your boss determine
what the next step should be.
Consider changing jobs – If nothing works, and your life is
truly miserable, you may want to seriously consider transferring
to another department, or finding a new job elsewhere. It's a
dramatic move, but remember what we said earlier about life being
short? If you're unhappy at work, this may affect your physical
and mental health. No job is worth that.


Tip:
There's a point at which unpleasantness crosses over into bullying, defined as repeated, health-harming mistreatment, and which is often directed at the brightest and best. If you suspect this is an issue, see our article on Bullying in the Workplace , and listen to our Expert Interview with Dr Gary Namie .


Creating an Emotionally Healthy Environment
Is there anything you can do to prevent all of this from happening
in the first place? Well, there's no guaranteed way to avoid
difficult people, but you can help turn your organization or
department into an emotionally healthy place to work.

Develop rules of behavior – Make sure there are defined values
and rules of behavior for the organization, and communicate them
to everyone. For example, you could put the rules on a big poster
someplace where everyone can see them. Encourage good manners in the office .
Create a reward system – Do the managers in your department or
organization reward good ideas and behavior? All too often,
negative behavior gets all the attention, while good behavior is
ignored. In reality, it should be the opposite.
Hold people responsible for their actions – When there's
accountability and transparency, people are less likely to ignore
bad behavior, or let it continue.


Key Points
Dealing with difficult people in the workplace can be incredibly
stressful and frustrating. It's important to realize that the only
thing you can control is your response to the situation. Address
these individuals privately at first; they may not know there's a
problem. If that doesn't work, use a few different strategies to
neutralize or stop the behavior. If things still don't change,
then it might be time to talk to management.
If you're a leader of an organization or team, take steps to
create an emotionally healthy work environment. Make sure core
values and behavior expectations are clearly communicated and
understood, and reward good behavior.